"You're very innocent hor"
Even strangers say I trust people too easily. I don't know what I feel now, and I don't know what my goal is. But at least I'm searching, now. I love that when I meet new people, their experiences all shape my perspective. It helps by making me learn. Maybe I'm too naive in that I look for the best in people when I see them. But you did make me happy, and really, that's all that counts. We're all still young. Keep going, just keep going.
Last week, I became horribly sad. There was one night where I came home to an empty house and I sat down in my room, in the darkness, and weeped over the phone to Huda. "I feel so upset now." But after a few minutes and realising there really isn't anything to be sad about, I stopped. Some friends have been having problems of late, and they have had a significant male other being really caring and looking after them in ways that can only be described as worthy for a princess.
"I want to be able to get wasted and have someone pick me up" Only after I actually said this, did I realise how.. idiotic I sounded. Wtf I never want to get wasted again. I've been okay, I've been handling my alcohol good. I know Huda gets worried and she's slightly skeptical whenever I tell her I don't drink much nowadays, but it is the truth. Huda's the best. She tells me I'm worth it. Every single step of the way, she's been here with me. Yokecheng too, when I was upset that I had no one to buy dinner for me, she cabbed over with meehoonkuey. Okay you may now actually think that my notion of being alone stems from having no maid HAHAHAHA but.. it's the loneliness, y'knw? It's not that I want someone to text every day. It's not that I want someone to DO stuff for me every day. When I don't have those, I feel sad. However, when I do actually have those, I get so tired of it and feel so sick of myself being dependent on someone else. This is complicated. I guess all I need is to learn how to be Okay on my own. I feel bad for sharing all my problems with the two of them. I'd say things like "I feel so aimless now", "I don't know what I want to be" -- there is some personal standard that I used to pass, but now I feel so worthless. They're at the same age, how would they know? But they still have faith in me, and tell me these things take time.
We're all still figuring everything out, I have faith in all of us. ^-^
