I was staying over at Bryan's place and I got hungry. So he offered to make me maggi mee, but I said it was fine because it's
maggi mee, so I could just make it myself. We were both at the kitchen when his mom came over to take the pot for him to use. He was also insisting that we stick to the exact measurement of 380ml for one packet of Penang white laksa maggi mee so his sister heard his ruckus and also came into the kitchen, and somehow she started helping out as well. Then we wanted to cook eggs and we didn't know how to microwave them so Aunty came to help again. And I was increasingly feeling like I was such trouble, because I was the one who wanted to eat, and it was a simple thing like maggi mee, plus Aunty and Ash were both packing for their 3 week trip in Europe - I really felt like such a burden at that point. While at the table, we were just eating it from the pot, and somehow I just increasingly felt that I shouldn't be eating - though I was really hungry - because I hadn't helped at all, and I don't know, I just felt like such an intruder in that context. Bryan and Ash were happily sharing and chatting away, and I was just increasingly feeling like a wreck. In the end I excused myself and starting weeping in Bryan's room *-*
Maybe I was really emotional (because my period's almost here) but I was just thinking about how
different my family was. If one person's cooking maggi mee, she or he does it alone. We don't like to disrupt what the other is doing. I only cook maggi mee for my family members if they ask me to do it. We most certainly don't sit next to each other and talk to each other and y'knw... Interact. I suppose. So I was trying to explain to Bryan that I dislike asking other people for help, plus it was just MAGGI MEE, and it was when they were busy and doing other stuff, and I just felt like I shouldn't be eating. Maybe I really was overreacting but I just kept thinking about how different my family was. I think Bryan's really fortunate. His family is so close and tight-knit; they have dinners together most of the time, and they actually have conversations without wanting to bite each other's heads off. My family's conversations are... different. We often are unhappy with each other. There's always someone not talking to another person. Someone is always complaining about one thing another person did, or another person's lack. It's just not enough. And I guess, me being me, I often wish for better interactions with my family members. I'm not a saint, I often lack patience as well, especially when talking to my father. So at that moment, it was really overwhelming. Bryan was really nice and so were Aunty and Ash; they all said I was being silly.
I thought it was justified, because I really felt like I was being so troublesome at that point in time, but maybe... I was just being silly.
After not being home for a couple of days, all my family members made some form of comment regarding my absence - I genuinely thought my brothers wouldn't even notice I had been gone. My mom had packed food from my uncle's western food stall for us, and I sat down next to Han watching DOTA 2 qualifying rounds with him. As we nibbled on lamb chops, he explained to me Tinker's ulti to me.
A realisation came to me - families are honestly made of ups and downs. Of good and bad moments. There's no point in comparison, at least, non-constructive comparison, because as an outsider/guest, you'll never truly know what goes on in one's family. Not that I'm saying that Bryan's family isn't as nice as they are when I'm with them, but it's definite that because I'm a guest, they're very nice to me. Comparing will get you somewhere, if you return to your own family and make an effort to be more patient and kinder to your family members. But if you only compare the good of one to the bad of another, then it's folly. When I was in trouble, my entire family was there for me, more so than anyone else. I had forgotten that. I guess I really was being silly because there was no need to have felt like I was imposing, and to be envious of their family dynamics.
Family's such a tricky thing. I only wish I fully make use of the time I have with my family and be able to handle both good and bad moments equally well.
Labels: blood is thicker than water, family
