One thing that upsets me greatly is when my elder brother doesn't treat me like a human being. When I asked him about what our parents had bought us for lunch today, though he was sitting right next to the food, he said he didn't know. My elder brother seldom talks to me. I have often accused him of not loving me. Today I ate an ice cream cone from Swensen's; my elder brother had bought each family member one.
Family is made up of paradoxes and conflicts. Sometimes you hate them, sometimes you love them. I guess the way forward would be to appreciate the good stuff, but think less of the bad stuff.
I been really out of it lately. When I was younger I didn't get tongue-tied so much, I didn't get embarrassed. Being unemployed is tough. You lose your sense of identity because you're not making stuff, you're not doing stuff, and there isn't validation in the form of superiors and satisfaction from making some good in the world.
God damn.
Thought about dying a lot for the past few weeks. Hopefully this week will be better.
Sidenote: We bumped into Banjeegal out on a walk with her owner, and while still in my dad's car, I wound down the window and Banjeegal had her paws propped up on the car - she still remembers me! Had a little chat with her owner while I carried her for a bit and she licked me. Was elated to see her behaving like a dog instead of... A terrified thing.
