Today I got lost on the expressway. The TPE to be exact (though I have no clue what the acronym stands for). I whipped straight past the left turn to Punggol and proceeded on to Tampines where I went around in circles before getting my bearings again.
It was quite scary. Driving is a huge responsibility if you really think about it. It's so easy to accidentally kill someone, be they out of your car or within it. IT TAKES SO MUCH CONCENTRATION. I must be the best and safest driver I can be.
Recently I've been really melancholic. Dejected and slumped. Just like a castrated tree trunk. I could only escape into books and read. When my elder brother went "Wah don't you have to work?" "How long have you been slacking?", along with my dad's "So what's going on with your job search now?", all I could muster out of my mouth in a strangled murmur was "Ungh."
Flea's really supportive and her take is "well you gon' be working for the rest of your life, one year off is nothing." I guess everything is relative. It's not really about whether I hate work or not. Or if I'm trying hard enough. I was really bummed out when I didn't get what I wanted and it troubled me to no end, the possibility that my abilities weren't good enough. But there are so many reasons why I didn't get chosen. It could be that it just wasn't a match, what I can do and their position requirements. Or that my personality doesn't suit their team's needs. Or maybe it is true - i just don't possess sufficient capabilities and talent - I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
But, so what? If I'm not good enough for this opening, I'll either have to look for something else I'm good enough for, or BECOME good enough for that opening. I never used to take such a long time to bounce back, this is ridiculous. It was two nights ago that I was watching Rudy Mancuso's vines that I decided that fuck it, life's too short to keep contemplating slitting one's wrists. So yeah, if you're having a difficult time out there right now, know that you're not alone. But know that someone else is struggling along with you and they ain't givin' up.
Gosh sometimes I just really wish I knew how to put all that I'm good at into something productive and useful. But I'm making a bet here and going out on a limb to suggest... I think in my entire life I will probably never know. And I'm slowly coming to terms with that. I guess I've to come to terms with simply trying everything and just being the best I can with everyone and everything, so that someday, I might find out, just on that slim chance.
x
Pamela
