So here I am, stuffing my face with a pork floss bun (albeit it being a mini one) at 12.17 in the morning with work undone and a huge dosage of denial. My folks and younger brother have been away for a short trip, leaving my elder brother and I alone at home. Whilst I haven't really been seeing my family regularly - reaching home at 11plus and murmuring "Goodnight" to them doesn't really count as interaction - I am strangely hit with a keen sense of loneliness. It was a public holiday two days ago. I spent it mostly recuperating from the previous night out dancing (and many other nights lacking sleep) and trying to catch up on some films. Grand plans that I had conceived in my mind regarding work, exercise and other household chores diminished in a poof of terror caused by Under the Skin (Jonathan Glazer, 2013), a bundle of laughters and relief from Meet the Millers (Rawson Marshall Thurber, 2013) and an increasingly growing annoyance and disdain for Lindsay Duncan's character in Le Week-end (Roger Michell, 2013). I ended up stuffing my face full of food to attempt to make up for that chasm in my being and sleeping my discontentment away. Today I blurted out in front of Tessa, "I might have to rethink my view of not getting married and living alone. My family's been away for only a few days and I already feel that my life is so empty." Because I am a worrywart, I have started feeling anxious about losing my parents to the Master they call Death and thinking about how much time I should be spending with them right now. If I'm marrying to not be lonely though, how is that even desirable? I need to work on being okay with myself. Maybe I ought to subscribe to one of those muk-bang channels. Tessa's reply, half-meant, half a joke, was "It's okay, at this rate we're going, we're basically going to start living together in the office - you won't be alone!" Another thing that Tessa said today to me was: "You're not bubbly anymore!" I'm only taking one sentence out of the entire conversation that we had; she didn't mean it in an accusatory manner. But she's right. I think I've lost my joie de vivre. My enthusiasm has completely vanished. I am tired. I am so bloody tired. A few nights ago while having a night out with Joy, we had left kyo and was waiting for a cab for Joy to head home (I was heading back to Koi to dance a lil' bit more). A guy approached us and asked us where we were going, and we, being the nice people that we are, said Oh yeah, going home, going elsewhere. His reply was a typical douchebag "Oh, but the night is still young, why are you already heading home?" Usually, I would have been courteous and laughed it off, but this dude kept pushing and saying we're such blahs and bores for heading home early and I genuinely don't know what happened but in my head it was as if a mini bomb of RAGE had gone off in a mushroom cloud and all these thoughts of WE'RE SO FUCKING TIRED FROM WORKING SO LATE EVERY DAY AND WE HAD SUCH A TIRING PAST WEEK FROM THE EVENTS AND PREP THAT WE'VE HAD WHO ARE YOU TO EVEN WARRANT ANY FORM OF EXPLANATION FROM US ABOUT OUR SUPPOSEDLY BORING LIVES YOU LITTLE SMIDGE OF INSIGNIFICANCE AND SCUMBAG FACE YOU THINK PROVOKING A WOMAN'S SUPPOSED LACK OF ABILITY TO HAVE FUN IS ATTRACTIVE MAYBE YOU STILL LIVE ON THE PRIMARY SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURTS BUT APPEALING TO YOUR IDEALS OF WHAT A 'FUN' PERSON SHOULD BE LIKE GREATLY ENRAGES ME NOW AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPOIL OUR NIGHT - all these translated to a "Go suck your own dick" which is pretty crude, but honestly, I'd had enough. Went back to koi where Eileen continued playing hard techno and my life was good. She played this, which has been on the top of my To-plays every morning since then:
Makes me feel like I could conquer the world, this track. I have to go put up the laundry, it's done! Yay. Goodnight world.
I write about my everyday experiences & pen down my thoughts in this lil' space.
I read, listen to music, have a passion in language, love makeup and most of all, I observe. I really like learning.
I love making a difference.
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