I've so many half-written entries in this account; there is a vague sense of failure I feel for not having finished these entries.. Today I will jot down whichever and whatever comes to mind, so pardon the disjointed post (I have given you a heads up!) I went out with my mom for dinner last night. It was unusual that she agreed to meet me at ION Orchard - she despises crowds and in general doesn't care much about eating hence wouldn't travel far for lunches/dinners - but I haven't had time alone with her for the longest time, and I explained to her that I had put off buying certain necessities from Watson's for quite some time. Still I found it a tad odd that she had agreed to travel to Orchard, but of course I was very pleased. As we sat down at Ginza Bairin to our dinners (hers a Kurobuta Katsu Don set, and mine a Unagi Katsu that cost $20 - let's not even go there), we gently eased into conversation. Conversations with my mom can be very fulfilling and enriching, however as with all parents, they tend to prioritise your wellbeing, and if, just if, you're like me, who's the one causing harm to your wellbeing with your purposeful actions, then you, like me, are likely to get nagged at by your parents, just like I do, by my parents. Yesterday night though, we started off our conversation talking about a potential trip to Hong Kong, and what had initially begun as a solo trip for me became a trip with my mommy and my granny, and I had asked Mom if she'd wanted to extend the invitation to my aunts, her sisters. She suddenly mentioned that during a recent trip with my relatives, in which my elder brother and I did not join, one of my aunts had confided in my mom and her other sister about a sense of loneliness she had been feeling in recent times, and when she had cried, my mom had not reached out to her sister to give her a hug. As she spoke about this, tears welled up in her eyes, and I could see that in that moment, my mother was feeling true remorse over not the simple act of not hugging her sister, to provide consolation.
My mother's family does not display concern via physical means. Call it what you will, a traditional Asian family, or whatever it is, but they just do not. Concern and care can be shown through a variety of means, and in my mom's family, hugs don't generally occur frequently. With my arrival, things have obviously had to change, 'cause hugs are a huge thing for me. My mom is the most selfless person I know. I don't know how much I can emphasise this, but the amount of empathy she has for the people around her is profound. I can never understand it; as much as I try to, I either discover utter desperation that I can never be her or I feel incredulity because her lack of sense of ego is incredible. In that moment, I felt useless as fuck, and I felt my entire chest hurting with so much yearning to make my mom feel better. As I type this, tears roll down my cheeks. // p: The stress is real, Yihan Han: Go through your items one at a time Fuel with a mixture of coffee and wine Contemplate existence Receive pay p: Got the wine bit pat down Just dropped off my cheque this afternoon as well Got the pay bit down Han: And thus what is left is Contemplating Existence p: I contemplate existence every day My existence in particular Not too keen on contemplating others' Han: Well I'm very thankful for your existence // Recently, another mother spoke to me. The conversation went: L: Aren't you going back yet? p: Nope not just yet, still have some stuff to finish L: Oh I'm so jealous At this point, I was genuinely confused. Because... Why would someone be envious of another having to stay late to complete work? "Sorry, what?" I had asked. And the mother replied, "Oh you know, because I have her *points to kid* and I'm always having to leave work on time to pick her up and all, leave my work undone..." It really struck me how everyone's lives are so different. One life who might seem horrid to the one living it could be a respite for another. It's all a matter of perspective, and experience... Mothers give up so much. How do they do it? // I am woozy from wine. I cannot continue. It is April. God, time passes by so quickly. One morning, a morning during which my heart was particularly heavy, I called you, partly out of curiosity, and partly because I needed you. When you didn't pick up - not that I really was expecting you to - I was resigned to crying into my pillow, but then you texted. And you said it was okay to talk, though you're continents away. And we spoke for awhile, not long, but long enough for everything to be made a little better. For tension that left my being. You're still the reckless person I know who strangely is so mature too, and this fuck-all attitude is something I ought to learn from. My sleep was made much easier by your voice that night. // Yesterday in the aftermath of a rain, I saw a white cat licking its paws. The thought occurred in my head that it was rather clean for having been in the rain. I went on to ponder about how cats manage to look so pristine and proper - clean with carefully arranged fur - whilst they're out in the open. Whilst they're homeless.
// Validation comes from nobody but yourself, but Pamela, it's been years and you haven't even begun to really understand this. I wanna dance Yay it's Friday! Have been in a really Majestic Casual mood of late, and these are the tracks that caught my ear/attention whilst being the office music-grinch: Thank you The Magician for introducing this track in your Magic Tape podcast!
And Tourist's Your Girl will always be a favourite of mine I have to be up at 6am Good night!
I write about my everyday experiences & pen down my thoughts in this lil' space.
I read, listen to music, have a passion in language, love makeup and most of all, I observe. I really like learning.
I love making a difference.
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