Today I learnt the etymology of the word vicariously.
Today I am in bed before 12am.
Today I reached home at 8pm.
I am exhausted. The past two weeks have seen me running from event to event and having late nights of prep work, whilst on my period, and the physical toil is evident. I fully stayed in bed for the entire day on Saturday and thoroughly enjoyed it. Perhaps not thoroughly as I cried upon waking up to certain texts and my heart smarted for a teensy bit... But I suppose all things get fixed with time.
I completed my gift from Zhiwei, Hexwood by the greatest of greats, Diana Wynne Jones, which left me feeling like I'd gone through a magical whirlwind of an adventure. An adventure through time and space, and at the bottom of it all, real human connection. DWJ and Neil Gaiman are two of my favourite writers because even though their offerings supposedly belong in the fantasy genre, their characters always have such true connections and relatable experiences and conversations. Human nature is what they're bringing to life via non humans, gods and fantastical creatures.
I always seem to escape into novels when I'm down. Maybe I get transported into the novel's world and I haven't a worry nor concern. Maybe my heart gets distracted for a little bit and I'm fixated on my characters' lives for a tiny bit more.
Was speaking to Yihan and Huda about relationships and the like, about being alone. And I said "Why is it always so difficult when it's a romantic thing? Because if it's a friend it's okay if shit happens," -- but that's kind of a generalisation, 'cos we all know that arguments can happen amongst friends too -- but it really just seems to be amplified multifolds when it comes to a guy. Whatever is done or not done just seems to matter so much more. I know I'm awesome as a friend but I'm never sure if I'm worthy of romantic attention and that kind of makes me feel a little less than nothing. And maybe that makes me behave in ways I shouldn't, like being cray occasionally.
Sometimes I feel like I get too close to people easily but Huds says "I think you honestly fall a little in love with everyone you meet and it's not a bad thing."
Someone told me today, "You're connected to yourself and the universe around you in a very sincere and intimate way," and upon hearing that I felt wonderful. In that tiny moment, I felt that my being on this planet was celebrated. I am happy that someone feels that I'm sincere.
Zhiwei makes it a point to write notes for me in the books she gifts me, and this time, beneath "For Neil Gaiman" (from DWJ), she wrote the following in her beautifully cursive script,
"And for Pamela, who will always be enough for the people she loves, and the people who love her,
but more importantly,
for herself.
This time I dare to say - Happy birthday & happy 25th year;
I hope you have a witchy one; a gloriously magical one;
if not on the day itself, then at least for the rest of the year."
I really believe that birthdays are bad luck and it always seems like they turn out bad anyway, but reading this note from Zhiwei just makes me yearn for a gloriously magical year ahead.
Yihan says one should try getting used to the living alone thing, and one does, but sometimes people come along into your life and settle into spaces within your heart and that you can't control. Or maybe you could, because you start to realise you don't really mean much to them.
But who should really matter in your life, really? The people who make you feel like you're adequate, that you're smart and worthy, that you're kind and that they want to be around you, or the people who only want you around when they have time for you?
I haven't gotten this adult thing pat down, no, not really.
I truly believe that no one is really horrible thou; we're just placed in the wrong situation with the wrong persons sometimes, with differing priorities and different understandings, and that I feel, leads to unhappiness and pain.
I probably have to understand my role to the people around me a lot better, before I feel less heartache.
Goodnight.
