It's the holidays! I think I started one of my recent entries similarly, but today I'm thinking about something different. I've been shopping a lot this holidays, as well as meeting up with friends and having really good meals. I mean, if not the holidays (to do such things), then when, right?
So recently I've been shopping on a few online shops. I used to shop on blogshops such as
Modparade, and
Tracyeinny, but that's really from a few years ago, maybe 3 years or so. I don't really know why I stopped, but I think I generally preferred the whole process of sauntering into a store, flipping through racks, and trying on clothes. Nowadays the only online shopping I do is through ASOS, because they have excellent return policies (not that I use them that much, only returned stuff once!). Recently though, two particular items caught my eye in
Ohsofickle's collection, and I decided to camp for their launch and got those two items. The sizes stated on the website were best suited for UK6-8, and their model (and owner) Tammy carried off them really well! I was kind of worried they wouldn't fit me nicely, because Tammy is so slim, but I'm a UK6-8, so I decided to just purchase them. In the end they fit me perfectly!
These are the two items by the way, the white bustier top and the plaid skorts.
So with this confidence that I most probably would be able to fit typical blogshop sizes, I made another purchase, this time with
ShopEverydayPeople -- and the item fit me like a glove as well. I was really happy and just decided to shop
some more a lot more on other blogshops. Having made numerous purchases on multiple sites I was excitedly awaiting the arrivals of those parcels (it's always nice to receive a parcel or a letter, don't you think?).
One day, I was flipping through the pages of my
Vogue UK Nov '12 issue (the one you see above), and eating fried chicken wings as my lunch, when two of my parcels arrived (those you see above as well). I WAS SO EXCITED. But I also completed my chores of vacuuming the floors first before I tried on my pieces.
Sadly, out of the four pieces I bought, one fit me sweetly and was really cute, one dress was okay but didn't really seem to fit my
style (or
mood for that time) but the other two were disappointing. One pair of shorts was too tight, and one skirt was so pretty and I could fit in, BUT I couldn't sit in. ._.
My mood immediately soured and I was so upset and I immediately tweeted "
Can't fit into my online purchases. Damn my childbearing hips"
I felt guilty because wtf I'd just only been eating chicken wings - fried ones, no less - and I couldn't fit into the bottoms I'd bought. It's as if I was being punished for eating fried chicken and eating so much good food these past few weeks (
YOU SHALL NOT FIT INTO THY CLOTHES, PAMELA NG). I bummed around a bit, feeling down, thinking about how I needed to go on a diet and then I went to do my Insanity workout.
Whilst I'd felt a little accomplished after doing my workout, I slowly and gradually started to feel that
my negative feelings were unwarranted. Partially, it had to do with reading the Vogue UK article on their interview with Jennifer Lawrence. She's a cool 5ft10" tall (that's approximately 178cm), and a UK12. That's perfectly healthy and she's really fit. In interviews and all (let's just temporarily suspend our suspicion of mass media for discussion's sake, aite), she's known to not give a fuck about how others think about her body. She's absolutely sure of her body image and whilst she can sometimes lament about stuffing herself too much between films, she's still really cool with how she looks. I started to think about how I came to feel unhappy about my body, and I realised it was due to my own choices that caused such dissatisfaction. Nope, I'm not talking about my own choices to eat a lot and not watch my weight. I'm talking about how I went about choosing the sizes of my online purchases. To be honest, one of the shorts just has a smaller cutting, and whilst it fit nicely around my waist, the material bunched up around my thighs. I just have thicker thighs because well,
hello Genes, and also, I like to do squats. Whereas for the skirt, I should probably just give myself a smack in the head, because while I KNOW I'm a UK6-8, I decided to choose Size 1:UK6 over Size 2:UK8 while buying the skirt. It's just that the model's a UK8, and she wore Size 2 and somehow I just mistakenly believed Size 1 would fit me. That was wrong, and now I understand that as with shoes and heels, for clothes, it's better to get a bigger size if you're unsure which would fit you better, or if you're in between sizes, then work from there. Maybe get an alteration, or maybe just to shop at places where their factory-made sizes just fit you better. After all, it's better to have something be looser, and idk, stuff it up with cotton wool then to squeeze into an ill-fitting form (*cough*push-up bras*cough*).
I also realised that
the language I used really affected how I felt. Remember, I said I went to tweet "
Damn my childbearing hips"? I deleted that tweet. The language we use really affects the way we feel about ourselves. A simple casual remark such as "Omg I'm so fat" repeated multiple times, over an elongated period of time would definitely create negative impacts on your self-perceived image. Childbearing hips should be celebrated, not damned (not that I really want to give birth to children, but still). I know I've been eating a lot more these few weeks, but the thing is, I've also been exercising a lot more, and I did not give myself credit for that; during that particular moment when the shorts did not fit my body, I just kept thinking negative thoughts. That was not correct, and I understand that now.
What I really want to say is, with online shopping, because of the way the photographs are taken, and because of how thin most models are, there really run uncertainties, and risks of not being happy with your purchases. We all know how post-editing can improve the quality of a photograph. I'm not saying that you (and I) should stop shopping online, but what I'm emphasising is: You (by
you I really mean
I, because I'm still learning) really need to know what your body is like, where the curves are, and where your good areas are, and where you want to hide your less-loved areas. Because then will you be fine; when something fits you perfectly, and when something does not, you'll be able to shrug it off and say "
It's that item's problem, it ain't my body." I don't want to go into the discussion of whether it's right for us to place judgments of worth based on how we look, because I feel like that's something else altogether. I think the fact is that, people care about how they look, and everyone should be less harsh on themselves for any supposed "flaws" they have. Clothes can affect one's mood, but one should be smarter going about buying clothes, and know what works for them.
I'm on this battle to learn to love myself, and my body, for all it has - the good parts, and the bad. I hope such discussions help you learn that there'll always be ups and downs, and that there's someone like me here struggling to know more, to reach clarity about such things. *YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I AM HERE WITH YOU*
Use your language and inner thoughts wisely, okay? (: They really play a part in how you feel. Channel positive thoughts, everyone!
Labels: body image, language and reality, musing, online shopping, positive thinking, thoughts, you are not fat
