While I was out with my friend today I had told her that I hadn't been spending a lot of time with people these few days, except for really close friends and those meetings had been short and sweet. I told her that I've lost touch on how to interact with people. I told her that I've gotten used to the cycle of waking up-watching videos/films-eating-more films/video-bathing-sleeping-repeat, and that I didn't crave more than necessary human interaction anymore (I am now at risk of gaining a reputation of a sociopath).
But it's not really true that I've gotten used to this cycle. That's because I actually feel lonely. I feel lonely that I'm not speaking enough to people. I do speak to my parents and family, but not all the time. I also do speak to my friends, but most of them have been busy with their own things and I'm not meeting up with people much. I tend to feel lonely, very often, very easily. And I'm not very good with it, which is a reason why I'm not attached.
I often say I don't want to get attached. That I don't want to be a girlfriend and I don't want a boyfriend. And while I'm currently seeing someone now, I wouldn't say I'm attached.
There're quite a number of reasons why I don't want to get attached to someone. I believe that our desires are greatly shaped by the social forces around us. Have you realised? There're so many romance stories in the media - in films, in televisions, online, in the tabloids, so on and so forth. Your friends, your family members all seem to have a romance story of some sort. Most people see "The One" as a goal, as something to be found, but who is The One? What is love? Are we all looking for some form of romance story? I don't know.
I recently had a discussion with a friend regarding love. He didn't believe in love as a set of qualities: personality, character, abilities, looks, so on and so forth. He insisted that love just exists as love. I asked him "Isn't love loving someone's unique set of qualities?" He replied "What if that someone became not nice, dull and lame. Jokes aren't funny anymore. You don't love him anymore?" I said "Isn't that what happens to most people? They fall out of love?" He then said "And then what happens after they fall out of love? They have a stricter set of guidelines and checklist, to find a "better" love."
I think everyone's checklists are influenced to a great extent our surroundings. Girls learn that they're supposed to be passive when it comes to relationships, either this or extremely emotional. Boys assertive and decisive. I get irrationally emotional when I'm involved with someone. Usually, I'm level-headed and reasonable with friends and when talking to others about affairs of the heart. But when I'm attached, I get so crazily sensitive, emotional and defensive. It's like I'm a different person. I think it's because of preconceived notions of how girlfriends ought to be which make me like that. It's that one has to become dependent on someone else which annoys me. I don't want to be dependent on someone else to make my decisions, I don't want to have to always ask for help. While I understand that a woman does not need to become dependent in a relationship, I'm saying that for myself, personally, I become a dependent person when I'm attached - it just happens. I really think it's because of all these influences around us. And I hate how needy I become when I'm in a relationship. I get really upset because I turn into the typical crazy needy girlfriend about which you read online, but I possess no power to not change into that person. That's why I don't want to be attached. Because I'm not yet strong enough to resist changing into a needy person. A nasty person.
I also don't understand what love is. Is it about having someone to talk to? Is it about spending time with someone special? Is it about being able to exchange sweet words with someone? Is it about physical companionship? Having someone to hug, to kiss, to cuddle with? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. Is it wishing for someone to be there to support you through your aspirations and dreams, hardships and difficulties, and being that for someone else? Is it about having someone to pass time with? Is it about having someone to tell your secrets to? I don't think I know, because I feel like most of the time, I treat love like companionship. In this way, I fall out of "love" very easily. When something doesn't work out, I close myself off and stop thinking about what was. I have since never received "closure" because... I simply do not think about what had happened. I just do not think about it, because it hurts to think about it. When someone leaves me for an extended period of time, my mind somehow just pretends that person's out of my life. When he gets back into my life, I just feel like he's a stranger.
As mentioned above, I also don't deal well with loneliness. I often feel neglected by my significant other. Until I am equipped with abilities to deal with such loneliness, I don't want to get attached.
This is such a messed up post gah I need help. What is love to you? Why are you in a relationship? Help. Help.
I leave you with beautiful music because this is what I do when I'm lonely. Listen to even more sad and beautiful music which makes me feel even more lonely.
This entry shall probably be deleted when I am more lucid and less sad.
Good night.
PS I am very glad for the person I'm seeing now, because he is very patient it comes to this issue, and when I tell people that we're not together. It complicates things greatly, because people don't understand it (frankly, neither do you, pamela ng), but he is patient, and for that I am grateful. Also he is the best silly dweeb in the world and I have never been with someone who has wanted as much for me as he has, and has cared for me as much as he had. For all the times that I've cried and screamed that I wanted to die, for all the times that I told you I could not make it and screamed and screamed and screamed, I am utterly grateful that you held me tight in your arms and did not ever once give up on me. Also very happy for all the times that you've made me laugh with your silly dance moves.
PPS Still, confused about love. Maybe if we stopped calling it love I'd have more courage to deal with it.
ETA:
I realise that I become a rather boring person once I'm involved with someone. For instance, that conversation I had with my friend regarding what love is? I wouldn't discuss that with my partner. Somehow, when one gets attached, the entire thing turns into a Let's eat here Let's watch a movie What time are you coming over What time are we meeting Are we having dinner with your parents etc kind of thing. Real conversation just ceases. Or maybe it's just me. I stop trying, somehow.
Labels: i dont know, Love, not understanding, sad music, things, youre pulling at my heart strings theyre breaking
