I closed my eyes and somehow I was transported from being seated in between two persons in the train - an Indian young woman fiddling with her phone and a chubby middle aged Chinese man bobbing his head to his music - to a space of darkness. Everyone is sucked away and I turn into a small little nothing, just trapped in the darkness. I start feeling really frightened and lost, and tears start gathering in my eyes. I just start feeling so afraid and alone. Why do my thoughts get so bad when I'm alone? Why is that when I'm with friends and family I can keep those bad thoughts away? I still think about dying, from time to time. I think about that knife in the kitchen, and I think about being hit by a train. I think about dying. I open my eyes and try to reassure myself that I'm surrounded by people, and that I don't have to be afraid.
I don't have to be afraid.
//
Today was good. Until I had to be alone. Today our world lang presentation went well. Today two aunties from the Deck told me I was dressed prettily.
What is life but moments of trying to keep yourself alive
