I had a close shave with Death tonight whilst jogging. A car on the left lane had swerved to the left, because a cab driver recklessly cut in from the right lane, and there I was, just two feet away on the pedestrian path, just happily jogging away to my music.
I haven't exercised in close to two months; it was such an odd sensation for me to breathe life back into my limbs. My joints creaked and my arms floundered about awkwardly. It took half an hour before my body got back into the rhythm of
one, two, breathe --- pound, pound, work that ass.
Back to that close shave that I had: I was a great deal amused by it, because Life can be so unexpected - it occurred to me that I had only made a split second decision to head out for a jog instead of doing a home workout. Maybe it would have been fate that I was meant to die at that instance. I was filled with another emotion as well, and that was gratefulness. Suddenly, memories of conversations with friends flooded my mind.
One in particular was Nick buying a drink for me the other time we were visiting Charmaine at the bar she was working at. We were talking about friends giving each other small treats and how we sometimes just need that favour. He mentioned how Yihan helped him out when he needed it, and how his buying me a drink while I was broke was his way of passing on the goodwill, and he just wanted me to pass on the goodwill as well. It kinda stuck with me the way Nick said, "Just pass it on, it doesn't even have to be for me."
Another I thought about was a more recent incident. I was out with Yihan for dinner, and we happened to walk past a little boy kicking a glass door at Park Mall. Immediately, I blurted out, "What I love most about kids is that they fucking kick stuff when they want to kick stuff." Yihan's response was slightly sarcastic "That's what you love about kids?" Please understand, I was famished and I was exhausted. More importantly, and crucially, I was out with Yihan, whom I hadn't been out with for ages, and when I am out with him,
I possess absolute freedom to say anything I want, regardless of how lousily parsed it may be. I did, however, refine my statement. "I love kids for their ability to be free," (Okay, that wasn't much of an upgrade, but still, I hope you get what I mean), I tried once more. And again, with that ever so slight sarcastic tone, he went, "You love kids for their inability to follow social norms?" Which made me become indignant because "WHY SHOULD WE CONFORM TO SOCIAL NORMS? I mean, where should we draw the line - what's considered right and what's considered wrong? The other day, I was utterly tired in the train and I wanted so very much to sit down on the floor, but because...." and my voice faltered.
We then turned into the cafe.
As these memories flooded my mind in that short span of 50m tonight, from almost getting knocked down to turning a corner whilst keeping that
one, two, breathe rhythm in my mind, three male tweens came walking toward me in the opposite direction. The middle kid stuck out his foot and tried to trip the guy on his right but ended up falling over. All three kids then burst into giggles.
I love kids for their ability to be free. I love kids for their ability to be silly. I never want to stop being silly. I don't ever want to subscribe to the concept of
age-appropriateness. What is age-appropriate? What kind of clothes is age-appropriate? What kind of behaviour is age-appropriate? Is it just a label we apply to ourselves to restrict our thoughts and actions?
I want to be unapologetically crazy, happy, passionate, hopeful, fierce and nuts.
My grey cup from Ikea IS representative of how I feel. It's not simply a dull, boring and bland grey. It could be grAy, a happy grey, a lovely grey, the grey of cloudy skies that fills me up with a sense of calm - it is any meaning and any symbol I give to it. And that is the power I possess after having paid SGD$4.90 for it. My grey cup will not be belittled by you.
I've acquired a kind of madness
Daylight fills my heart with sadness
Only silent skies can soothe me
Feel that night air flowing through me
//
Good day to you.
Labels: faith, friends, night air, of dying, tired, unapologetic
