Greek Honey

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

honesty

Momma told me earlier on that she does not think I could write well about a certain topic. Upon hearing this, I took a deep breath, and said "Mommy, I'm going to let that one slide. Your lack of faith in me is astounding."

Honestly, everyone is entitled to their beliefs. And they have to stay true to what they believe in. So if my mommy thinks I won't be good at something, it's her prerogative. But in order to prove her wrong, I'll have to show her through my actions and achievements that I can be good at it.

Sometimes the people who are closest to you say the harshest things. All part and parcel of life. *shrugs

Labels: faith, Mommy, words

;1:31 AM

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Friday, December 5, 2014

acquired madness

I had a close shave with Death tonight whilst jogging. A car on the left lane had swerved to the left, because a cab driver recklessly cut in from the right lane, and there I was, just two feet away on the pedestrian path, just happily jogging away to my music.

I haven't exercised in close to two months; it was such an odd sensation for me to breathe life back into my limbs. My joints creaked and my arms floundered about awkwardly. It took half an hour before my body got back into the rhythm of one, two, breathe --- pound, pound, work that ass.

Back to that close shave that I had: I was a great deal amused by it, because Life can be so unexpected - it occurred to me that I had only made a split second decision to head out for a jog instead of doing a home workout. Maybe it would have been fate that I was meant to die at that instance. I was filled with another emotion as well, and that was gratefulness. Suddenly, memories of conversations with friends flooded my mind.

One in particular was Nick buying a drink for me the other time we were visiting Charmaine at the bar she was working at. We were talking about friends giving each other small treats and how we sometimes just need that favour. He mentioned how Yihan helped him out when he needed it, and how his buying me a drink while I was broke was his way of passing on the goodwill, and he just wanted me to pass on the goodwill as well. It kinda stuck with me the way Nick said, "Just pass it on, it doesn't even have to be for me."

Another I thought about was a more recent incident. I was out with Yihan for dinner, and we happened to walk past a little boy kicking a glass door at Park Mall. Immediately, I blurted out, "What I love most about kids is that they fucking kick stuff when they want to kick stuff." Yihan's response was slightly sarcastic "That's what you love about kids?" Please understand, I was famished and I was exhausted. More importantly, and crucially, I was out with Yihan, whom I hadn't been out with for ages, and when I am out with him, I possess absolute freedom to say anything I want, regardless of how lousily parsed it may be. I did, however, refine my statement. "I love kids for their ability to be free," (Okay, that wasn't much of an upgrade, but still, I hope you get what I mean), I tried once more. And again, with that ever so slight sarcastic tone, he went, "You love kids for their inability to follow social norms?" Which made me become indignant because "WHY SHOULD WE CONFORM TO SOCIAL NORMS? I mean, where should we draw the line - what's considered right and what's considered wrong? The other day, I was utterly tired in the train and I wanted so very much to sit down on the floor, but because...." and my voice faltered.

We then turned into the cafe.

As these memories flooded my mind in that short span of 50m tonight, from almost getting knocked down to turning a corner whilst keeping that one, two, breathe rhythm in my mind, three male tweens came walking toward me in the opposite direction. The middle kid stuck out his foot and tried to trip the guy on his right but ended up falling over. All three kids then burst into giggles.

I love kids for their ability to be free. I love kids for their ability to be silly. I never want to stop being silly. I don't ever want to subscribe to the concept of age-appropriateness. What is age-appropriate? What kind of clothes is age-appropriate? What kind of behaviour is age-appropriate? Is it just a label we apply to ourselves to restrict our thoughts and actions?

I want to be unapologetically crazy, happy, passionate, hopeful, fierce and nuts.

My grey cup from Ikea IS representative of how I feel. It's not simply a dull, boring and bland grey. It could be grAy, a happy grey, a lovely grey, the grey of cloudy skies that fills me up with a sense of calm - it is any meaning and any symbol I give to it. And that is the power I possess after having paid SGD$4.90 for it. My grey cup will not be belittled by you.

I've acquired a kind of madness
Daylight fills my heart with sadness
Only silent skies can soothe me
Feel that night air flowing through me

//

Good day to you.

Labels: faith, friends, night air, of dying, tired, unapologetic

;11:56 PM

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

life is one big huge performance

I'd like to start off with this sentence: Little kids like to scream and yell a lot. No, really, they really do. It isn't the odd occasional shout. It's fully bloodcurdling, lungs-baring, this-is-the-last-scream-of-my-life-kinda scream. Except it seldom is the last scream of their lives.

I live near a primary school. Recess time is especially noisy. So is PE.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. Self-doubt seemed to be the Soup of the day, and boy was I wallowing in that icky, sticky, soup. I was drowning in it and my tears were the condiments to it.

I'm always pretty forthright on my blog. So here's the cause of my worry: I'm stressing out over the assignment I was given for my second interview. I actually have a deadline that's not too near, and all that I've been tasked to do is achievable - I have done a sizable amount of what needs to be done - but I keep getting paralysed by fear of not being able to come up with something creative and not being able to impress my interviewers. It's absolutely a drag being this way; stress eats into you and when you keep questioning yourself, you reach a mental block instead. NOTHING GETS DONE.

This is crazy. I've come to realise that I'm the one who's giving myself undue stress. This interview really is a chance for me to shine, and I'm pretty lucky to have had this opportunity soon after I had begun my job search. The best situation that my presentation could result in is that I ace it and I get the job. The worst thing that could happen? I don't pass it, and I don't get the job.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT. While I would love to get the job, it isn't the end of the world if I don't get it. However, being in the state that I was in yesterday, I wouldn't know if I could get the job, because I was already the one deciding that I'm talentless and useless. I do really want this job, and I need to stop belittling myself if I'm ever going to complete this assignment.

To have completed 6 years of choir life and 22 years of academic life - 4 years of grueling university life - I can't believe here I am, so quickly throwing away the basic thing I've learnt over all these years. Life is a show. Interviews are a show. School presentations are a show. While I need to learn and know my stuff, I also need to anticipate and enjoy the fact that in a show, unexpected things occur. The backdrop might start drooping in the second act, or you might do a wrong move from the rest of your choir. I'd always been the kind of person who believed that with enough swag, you can shine like a star and leave the audience in awe - thank you Anderson sec choir for that.

So yeah. Not going to stop being that person.

GONNA PUT ON AN AMAZING SHOW.

//

Sidetracking a little, yesterday, two of my friends were really curt in their texts to me, and it shocked me a little. They're usually very friendly and caring friends, and thus I wasn't expecting such curtness. But because I was worried about my own predicament, I didn't ask them if they were alright. I guess people aren't always having the best of days, and when two persons who're both having bad days rub off off each other's misery, nastiness can occur. I just want to write this down as a reminder to myself to always be kind, even if I'm having a bad time, because it usually doesn't occur to me that people are also having a bad time. It's never too late to drop a friendly text though!

If people are being childish, then well. It's best to just ignore them.

Labels: bad day, belief, faith, friendship, life is a show, self doubt

;10:16 AM

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Saturday, November 9, 2013

I like to sing and I cannot lie

DID IT AGAIN.

Today, on the way home, I started crying in the train. I couldn't stop. It was really bad. I wasn't bawling, nor sniffling, but the tears just wouldn't stop flowing.

Thank goodness for the friends I have --- Bryan, whom, unfortunately, got shouted at by me, because I was too upset and didn't know how to react when he called, Flea, Gang, Yihan, and Boss for all accompanying me through text for the rest of my journey home.

Gang:
it'll pass
but you just have to tell yourself you can make it
whatever means necessary

me:
FUCK THIS
I AM SO SICK OF THIS
I know I can do this
Thanks

Gang:
you can
maybe this is bad advice but I think letting your rage out helps too

I told him I'd have a talk with Shaun T this evening but.... I spent 4 hours singing karaoke on Youtube instead. SAME SAME LA. I will have a date with Shaun T tomorrow. But yes. I sang like a fucker released from prison. Just whacked all the powerhouse songs.

I did the cover above on the first take so it's pretty rough. And this time I don't have Bryan to play the guitar for me -- I'M ALONE -- so I was quite nervous hahahahaha. If you haven't seen our cover of Hey Soul Sister by Train, here it is:

-

I think I sang better with him giving me support hahahahha. Also, somehow the camera's messed up and shaky for Just The Way You Are; I think the settings on my camera are whacked. Sorry for the psychedelic experience, maybe just listen to the audio instead of looking at my face? (:

/

What do you think about crying in public? Have you seen people crying in public? Do you help people whom you see cry in public? But there aren't many people who cry in public, are there? I think I've cried in public a lot. I just don't give a fuck whether people judge me or not. But today, I was panicking pretty badly because..... well, I guess I have a reason to be ashamed.

Boss says I'm still the same person though. And I feel like with their help, and my family, I may still actually be the same person.

I just want to be happy.

Well I had fun singing Just The Way You Are (as I think you can tell from the video), so I hope watching that makes you happy too. (:

Have a great weekend, y'all

Labels: Bruno Mars, crying, faith, holding on, I LOVE MY FRIENDS, music, Popular music, Song Covers, Thank You, transgression of social norms, YouTube

;12:43 AM

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Sunday, October 27, 2013

strength in numbers

I know everyone thinks time will heal everything and slowly, if I seem to not be bothered by it anymore, I am fine.

I don't think it's that easy, and I'm very much reminded of it almost everywhere I go, by everything I do, and worse of all, by things people around me. It's painful how people treat it like a joke.

I get scared of small things, of little things. I don't trust people that easily anymore. I'm not jaded, I've just been hurt.

But I'm determined I will survive. Chancing upon an operation like this just makes me feel even more determined.

I'm not alone.

Labels: faith, not giving up, note to self

;8:12 PM

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Saturday, October 19, 2013

some shouting

Sometimes I feel like social media is evil. I just went on Instagram and everyone on my feed seems to be having an awesome time out, spending their Saturday fruitfully and enjoying their time outside of the house....... While I'm stuck at home not being able to breathe through my nostrils (only through my mouth), with an impending deadline for an essay which I have not started.

But of course, I've to remember about relativity........ I should be grateful I'm even breathing (though through my mouth). Plus I finally got to spend my Saturday with my extended family at my grandma's, having granny's homecooked food.

Really though, when the fuck did I turn into one of those people who're always feeling sorry for themselves? I think when things go bad -- and trust me, they've really gone fucking bad these few months -- one always has the choice to crumble, give up and die or just really suck it up and hold on and FIGHT.

I AM FUCKING FIGHTING, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

And you better fight on along with me.

And if things don't work out there's always SBTRKT to make me feel better.

Now, off to write about Forrest Gump and his box of chocolates!

Labels: faith, FIGHTING, have a little, holding on, intrinsic motivation, thankful

;10:39 PM

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Friday, September 20, 2013

werk it

Tryna get my beastface on but as you can tell I haven't much of a beastface. I came home from an awesome dinner and exercised a little! This is because I had both a cola and a beer just now and my personal trainer has specifically excluded these two items from my diet and I felt a little guilty. I think just perspiring makes me feel better though. Don't worry, I'm just joking about my diet being determined by someone else -- Bryan did say if I want to see results from our gym sessions, I shouldn't drink coke. I think I was also driven to exercise because I've been eating Haagen Dazs ice cream every day.

Looking for more gym and exercise buddies!!!

dreamy drum&bass

//

I've to be up in less than 4 hours sigh. Sleep beckons! Have a great weekend, y'all.

Love,
Pamela

Labels: endorphins, exercise, faith, focus, GYM, holding on, sleep

;1:59 AM

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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

float away

Today I did not wear false eyelashes to school. Today I dressed more like a student to school (which I actually am) than as if heading out to town to chill out. It's week 6 after all, I ought to be spending more time getting rest and doing work. In any case, my inspiration for today's outfit was a hipster! My striped top is from River Island. I seldom wear stripes but I quite like how casual this particular one is. And I do not have many green tops in my wardrobe. In my left hand, instead of a cigarette, I am holding the Deck's iced lemon tea. And there's nothing my Doc Marts can't jazz up.

///

Kinda really digging Sango a lot this moment. Again, I thank the stars for sending me Thomas because without him, I wouldn't have been exposed to future garage, post-dubstep stuff so early on in my life. Actually at 21 I consider it to have been too late but it's okay, I spend my early mornings playing catch up.

Check out some of his tracks!

The bass in these two tracks are so good. Nowadays, this kind of music excites me. I'm pretty bummed out when some of my friends are still hooked onto electro house. I used to like that so I can understand how they like it. It's also how I first started listening to electronic music so I'm pretty thankful for UK Top 40 for the exposure. But nowadays, that's mostly too loud and hard hitting for me. I like house, deep house. I like garage. I like bass. Sometimes I like trance. And grime. Soul. Disco. Trap. I also have my techno moods. Hmm. Maybe my tastes will keep changing. I think they will. For now, I really love these tracks.

//

Gannuer came over on Sunday and we talked. My dearest gannuer is really like a daughter to me, and so I felt hurt that she was hurt.

To Gannuer:
You are one of the strongest persons I know. You have a really clear mind and good heart, and you really deserve the best. I've seen you through ups and downs for 8 friggin' years and I know you'll make it through this. Do not give up on yourself! You're worth so much. YOUR GAN MA LOVES YOU VERY MUCH, OKAY? *glares at you fiercely

After some discussion about Europe and thieves, she then became my guinea pig; I did her makeup for her.

Photos aren't very clear but I did a gold-to-dark blue smokey eye for her, to match her slouchy blue tee.

I felt a little hypocrital because I was telling her she had to treat herself better -- yet I myself have been crying every day. I.. will try my best. To be honest, I'm only making it through each day with the help of family and friends. Sometimes I send nonchalant texts, sometimes it's just a sad emoticon, sometimes it's crazy sobbing, sometimes it's heartfelt talks... everything helps. I've stopped wanting to die.

Mommy dearest woke up early one day to prepare breakfast for all of us. (:

And when I was hurting by self inflicted pain caused by getting gastric pains from not eating the entire day, I was taken care by a very sweet boy.

And I was also aided by a hot water bottle left to me by the bestie.

And if things aren't enough, when I complained that I hadn't even gotten a bite of the two pints of B&J my parents had bought and they had already disappeared, they went and bought 4 pints of Haagen Dazs again.

From a few months back:

Mommy and I (in a hoodie)

Coffee addicts, we are

Went over to Gannuer's for dinner:

Thank you Zhiwei for getting us these souvenirs from Aussie!!

Topless 5, we ought to have steamboat at my place again.

Gender class is killing me. All the readings are killing me. Without Jian Gang telling me "You'll be fine", I'll most probably set fire to all them damned readings.

Really, only music calms me down.......... Here are some more tracks which I've been listening to recently.

Yousef is............. so......... good.

And though this last track is from really long ago, I love it.

Jacques Greene will always cheer me up!

Goodbye.

Labels: blood is thicker than water, death, electronic music, faith, friends, happy things, hold on, I LOVE MY FAMILY, Jody, music, music i love, school life, thoughts, tired

;3:28 AM

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Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Friday, December 5, 2014

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Friday, September 20, 2013

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

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